Satan, Sanitation and Spontaneous Combustion
by She-who-loves-fanfiction
Summary: In which Remus tries to drown himself in a toilet, Sirius gives Dumbledore detention, Peter spontaneously combusts, Lily has a problem with beavers and James does a rain dance. One-shot! All dialogue! Set in the Marauders era. Enjoy xx


**Disclaimer: Alas, earwax! Also, I don't own Harry Potter!**

"You did WHAT?"  
"I didn't mean to, James, I just-"  
"Has anyone seen Peter?"  
"Shut up, Remus, I'm listening to Sirius."  
"Fine. I'm just going to drown my sorrows in the toilet."  
"Ok, whatever. Go on Sirius."  
"So I was walking down the corridor-"  
"Wearing my Cloak, I bet!"  
"Does no one care that I'm about to drown myself?"  
"I'm trying to listen to Sirius!"  
"I'm bet Peter would care, if he was here!"  
"I'm sure Peter would care. He would care if ol' Voldy killed himself."  
 _"James!"_  
" _Remus!_ What? I'm busy!"  
"Where's Peter?"  
"I don't know! I'm not his mother!"  
"I said we should have tagged him, Prongs."  
"Yeah, probably. Anyway, go on Sirius."

"Yeah, so I was trying to be quiet, because I didn't want to be caught by the spawn of Satan-"  
"Who? Snivellus?"  
"No, Lily. Anyway-"  
"WHAT?"  
"Are you sure neither of you have seen Peter?"  
"Maybe he spontaneously combusted. So-"  
"What did you call my girlfriend?!"  
"Honestly, James, weren't you listening? I called your girlfriend the offspring of Satan. Keep up! Anyway-"  
"Lily isn't that bad Sirius! You two, however, are. Are neither of you wondering where Peter is?"  
"No, I'm actually wondering who Satan had a baby with to make my girlfriend."  
"So neither of you want to hear about how I accidentally gave Dumbledore detention?"  
"You did WHAT?"

"Potter, you may be my boyfriend, but if you and your sorry band of thieves don't SHUT UP, I swear I will-"  
"Aw, Lils, don't be like that."  
"Like what? Acting like I value sleep? Because I DO. Now shut up!"  
"Merlin, calm down Ginger."  
"Sirius Black, WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?"  
"I just-OWW! Godric, Prongs, no need to hit me _that_ hard!"  
"If you EVER call me that again Black, I will tear out your circulatory system and feed it to starving beavers. After roasting the beavers, I will take the ashes and turn them into headphones, before forcing your friends to listen to your dying screams until they go insane and die. OK?"  
"What have you got against beavers, Evans? Merlin-OWWW! There was no need for that Evans. No need!"  
"One more word, Black-"  
"I guess this isn't a great time to mention that I called you the offspring of Satan..."  
"You WHAT?"  
"OWWW! Remus, what are you doing?"  
"I'm taking you to the bathroom, Sirius."  
"WHY?"  
"To drown you in the toilet."  
"NOOOO! GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD! Come on, mate, at least drown me in a bath. A puddle? I'LL TAKE A PUDDLE!"  
"Merlin...my boyfriend lives with hooligans."

"OWW! Sirius! I wanted to drown you in the toilet!"  
"It was justified, I'll give you that, but that would be really embarrassing."  
"I can just imagine your gravestone. Sirius Black, aged seventeen. Cause of death: Toilet."  
"Ouch. Low blow Evans. That would be really undignified."  
"Yeah mate, because you're so dignified."  
"Oh shut up, Bambi."  
"Yeah, well...you're a dog! You smell!"  
"Merlin I need some Firewhiskey."  
"Remus! You're supposed to be the responsible one."  
"I suppose so Lily, but right now, the thought of drowning my sorrows in Firewhiskey sounds a bit more sanitary than the toilet."  
"Sorry, Remy, but I drank all the Firewhiskey the other night when I got back from giving Dumbledore detention."  
"You did WHAT?"  
"I was trying to explain, Ginger-"  
"Black, I swear to Merlin-"  
"Remy? What in the name of sanity is Remy?"  
"A nickname! So I was walking down the corridor-"

"James, what on earth are you doing?"  
"It's a rain dance. Duh."  
"Why are doing a rain dance? _Indoors?"  
_ "Because we ran out of Firewhiskey."  
"So..."  
"I'm doing a rain dance to get more Firewhiskey."  
"You're doing a _rain_ dance to get more _Firewhiskey."_  
"Yep, that's what I said. I think it's quite sensible, actually."  
"Sorry, but when did it start raining alcohol?"  
"Well, they're both liquid..."  
"Oh. Right. So they're both liquid. You know what else is liquid?"  
"Uhhh...Odgen's?"  
"Blood!"  
"Godric Ginger, there's need to be so violent."  
"I'll show you violent!"  
"OWWW! PRONGS, YOUR GIRLFRIEND REALLY IS THE CHILD OF SATAN. NO NORMAL PERSON HAS NAILS THAT SHARP!"  
"Wow, you've haven't seen Marlene's, then."  
"JAMES! HELP ME!"  
"Sorry, I'm doing my rain dance."  
"For Merlin's sake, STOP DOING A RAIN DANCE, JAMES, OR I WILL HEX YOU TOO!"  
"OK, Lily, Merlin. Calm down."  
"Calm down! _CALM DOWN?_ I am very calm! I am so calm, calm is jealous!"  
"OK...How about you go to bed, Lily? I'll make sure that James and Sirius keep quiet."  
"Hmm...OK. But I will resume killing you tomorrow, Black. James, why are you still doing THAT BLOODY RAIN DANCE?"  
"Well..."  
"Are you sure that you didn't _drink_ all of the Firewhiskey?"  
"Very, very sure. So sure. I am 100% sober! As sober as Canta Slaus!"  
"Do you mean Santa Claus, James?"  
"Maybe?"  
"Great. Yay. Whoop-de-doo. Now shut up, and go to bed."  
"Yes, ma'am."  
"OK, goodnight Lily."  
"Sweet dreams, Ginger."  
"BLACK!"

"So, do neither of you want to hear about the time I put Dumbledore in detention?"  
"I have nothing to drown myself in now!"  
"Go and find a puddle, mate. Ok, go on then Sirius."  
"So, I was walking down the corridor-"  
"Yeah, we know, and you were being quiet because you didn't want to be caught by the spawn of-I mean, my magnificent girlfriend."  
"So, I did all that stuff and...yeah. I was walking down the corridor-"  
"WE KNOW!"  
"OK, OK, calm down! As I was walking down that corridor with the Cloak on, I could hear someone walking towards me, so I did my best Dumbledore impression and said 'Detention, child', and then, well, Dumbledore came round the corner, and I ran for it."  
"Oh."  
"That wasn't as funny as I thought was going to be."  
"Excuse me?"  
"Well, you didn't tell it very well, Sirius, so it was kind of...you know...boring."  
"WHAT?"  
"IT WAS BORING!"

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SHUTTING UP?"  
"Calm down, Ginger."  
"I'LL GIVE YOU CALM DOWN!"  
"OI! EVANS! GIVE ME BACK MY WAND!"  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET BACK UP HERE BEFORE I TURN YOU INTO A BEAVER!"  
"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH BEAVERS?"  
"Ooooh, Remus I found the Firewhiskey!"

"DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE PETER IS?"

 **Reviews are welcomed!  
Enjoy your day,  
She-who-loves-fanfiction xx**


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